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[talkative]

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*Don't limit yourself, live your best life! Or unlife. As it be. The difference is mostly the breathing, you know? You don't have to smell really gross stuff as much anymore because you don't need to breathe in unless you talk. But then again some people can achieve a better sense of scent and then talking in smelly areas becomes really unpleasant and now if you don't think that's a problem then I don't know what your priorities are.

Comments

[talkative]

Because with you, I want to try.

[He's already said that it might not work out, but he'll repeat it in Rowan's word.]

I don't know that I'll be comfortable. But... [and then there is a very, very lengthy pause, in which he tries to capture the "why you" and put it into words.] ...if I can do that with anyone without them forgetting that I'm pretty too, and not just handsome, it's you. [It's that relinquishing of the last shreds of ambiguity that is the issue.]

[ralliesprotests]

[That makes sense, and it makes Rowan happy, that they can make Jackie comfortable enough to want to give it a go.]

In that case, let me know what I can say or do to make it more comfortable for you. Anything you think of in the moment or afterwards, too. Whatever you need to make it work for you, that ain’t on my nos, you can do.

[They hesitate, and then add:] that includes using as little or as much protection as you need to go ahead. For me, getting ready was almost as bad as the thing itself, so if that’s the same for you... [Even if it still makes them a little uncomfortable still, in this case Jackie’s comfort is more important, since safety isn’t a factor here.]

[talkative]

[He looks up at that in surprised, opens and closes his mouth, and then slowly shakes his head - that's not even a thing he had considered yet. Protection had been a given.]

I'll try with.

[It's good to know that the option is there, but he's not going to plan on it.]

You're sure it's okay for you if I drop it?

[Because from what he observed in the tent, it seemed to be important to Rowan.]

[ralliesprotests]

Yeah. [Rowan hesitates while they line up their explanation, guessing where the problem comes in from.] It's, um, so. Back home I hadn't tried it without ever aside from twice before... everything. But here they keep telling me everything's safe, and I kind of believe it. [Seeing Vax, no offence Vax.]

I'm already sleeping with Max and Lucas without it, though, so I mean, technically you're the one being exposed. I just like to keep control over who I offer it to and who I don't.

[talkative]

[Luckily, that's not actually a risk with him. The only way for him to catch an STI would, counter-intuitively enough, not be through sex. Not enough bodily processes to enter anything but actual blood into the bloodstream.]

Unless they do a general health sweep when we come here, which considering what all they can do I wouldn't be surprised if they do - nothing that keeps people from having sex faster than cholera and syphilis - anyone could be a spreader, no matter how many people they've slept with here. [But that's by the by. He agrees with Rowan that it does, in fact, seem to be safe here.]

Me as well as you. But who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth, right?

[ralliesprotests]

Right. But yeah, like I said, it's fine, the offer's there if it helps you.

And um, actually. Since you can. You know I ain't got a preference on whatever my partner's packing, right? So any combination of stuff is also fine by me. If that helps you at all.

[talkative]

I've thought about it.

[He shakes his head lightly.] I'll try eventually, maybe, but... [He shrugs. It just doesn't feel right? He can't put his finger on why, because he certainly doesn't mind in Rowan, but it's still weird to apply the thought to himself. He hasn't even tried yet.] There's no rush, right?

Late warning for references to dysphoria

[ralliesprotests]

Yeah. No rush at all, I just wanted to know what you know. [Rowan smiles at him. This stuff is tricky, after all, and it's sometimes easier to be clear from the outset.]

But yeah, you got my hard not now, we got safe words, you can do what you want or you need to. And if you need to stop, then you need to stop, don't force yourself to continue if that happens, okay?

Um. At some point, when you're ready, I'd like it if we can talk about what words and descriptions you prefer for yourself, too. Like, in general.

...and general gender things

[talkative]

Understood.

[And that's that.

...Or not. He tilts his head, frowning faintly.] What would such a talk entail?

[ralliesprotests]

You said you don't like being thought of as handsome, right? Anything like that. Or is the general rule just to err on the 'female' side of things? [They let the quotations fall into place, because clearly Jackie isn't any more of a woman than they are - or any more of a man.]

I just want to be sure I'm using the words that you'd prefer I use.

[talkative]

I just prefer to keep people guessing... at least a little bit.

[He scratches his neck, trying to turn the questions over in the context of what he's seen of Rowan.]

Even here, where most people think of me as a man, at least Ren thinks I'm a woman, and that makes it... [not fine, but fine. Bearable is perhaps closer.] If I'm on both sides, I'm on neither. [Maybe that's the most succinct description of why remaining ambiguous is so important to him.] Because people will always put me on either- [He stops himself there.] or does that not happen for you?

[ralliesprotests]

Well, that's why I don't let anyone see what I got underneath everything. And for anyone who does, I tell 'em straight off that I'm neither. Can't stop them from mucking up in their heads, but at least they mostly keep it straight out loud.

But for me what makes it bearable is when no one can agree. If everyone started saying I was a man, or that I was a woman, I'd need to shift somewhat the other way. Like you said, keep people guessing.

[talkative]

[He nods at the last sentences - he's adjusted like that before himself. Altered voice, or body, or style of dress, to lean a bit more into the other side.]

So that's why you use pronouns like you just don't know what it is? [Because for all he knows, that's how singular they is used in English. When you don't know yet what the person you're speaking of is, or when they're not any specific person.] To keep the ambiguity. [It's not a bad idea, and the thought shows in his thoughtful voice. It would probably be a lot less anxiety inducting than always having to wonder if people who came away with different expectations will discuss him.]

[ralliesprotests]

They're gender neutral. Like me. Singular they has always been a thing, in English at least. [Rowan adds the second part a little belatedly, remembering that English can't be Jackie's first language.]

Lots of people like us use they/them. There's other pronouns people use as well, ze/zim/zir is the one I hear most often, but they/them works best for me. It's how I feel most comfortable.

[talkative]

[Like us.

What a weird thing to think. He's always just been off, when it came to how he felt about his body.] Why invent a word when there's one that already exists? [Not knocking on people who do use other options, the tone clearly implies that he simply feels most naturally attracted to they.

Do they?

They aren't sure. He's used he for so long, it's become ingrained in how he thinks about himself, how people think about him, - anything else seems like an illicit deviation. And more attractive because of it. But then while she lived as a woman she felt the same about people calling her he - oh so illicit, and oh so pleasant.

Proving that the other side existed, too.

Jackie leans back, unfolding, rolling back, pulling a knee up to the chin, and thinking for a long time.] You said words and descriptions?

[ralliesprotests]

[Rowan lets him think, tucking their legs up underneath them and watching him. They hadn't meant for this conversation to happen now, but, well. They're never going to get more prepared. And maybe the sooner it happens, the sooner Jackie can start to find a bit more comfort in his body. Because he deserves that every bit as much as Vax does, as much as Rowan deserved it when they were seeking the answers.]

I dunno how it is in other languages, again, but in English some words have gendered connotations. You know, pretty or beautiful for a woman, handsome for a man. Sometimes people would prefer to use just one side, or to avoid them altogether. And parts too, some people'd prefer not to use the name for what's there. For me, both are irrelevant enough not to bother me, as long as the parts stuff is kept to sexual context only, so only in the bedroom.

[Rowan pauses, and then tilts their head.] Actually, that's a good point. If we do take collared stuff outside of the bedroom, I'll need to think what you can call me where other people can hear it, because some of the things I normally allow will be out.

[talkative]

[Jackie nods, not sure if a decisions can be made right now - rather certain hat it can't. But he'll think on it.

Eventually, he rejoins the conversation with:] I prefer to just not use the names of the parts, I think. At least not right now.

...Nipples are fine, of course. ...and clit, and head. [Not that that makes sense. But it's all the variations of penis, and all the variations of pussy, that just seem too clear, when applied to him. He follows those thoughts, and a while later snorts.] Heat and "You" work. As in, "her heat" and "taking you in hand". As terribly romance novel as that sounds.

[ralliesprotests]

I'll have a look through the library then and see what other examples I can suggest then. [Rowan's laughing, though; only teasing.] I'll make sure to stick to those, though, no worries. Thanks for telling me.

[talkative]

I'll think some more on it.

[A lot more. And not just on that.

But for now - he stretches, straightening out his leg and for a moment being almost completely flat despite the round chair before rocking up and onto the front of the seat, heels under his bum.]

There was one more thing I wanted to address.

[ralliesprotests]

Okay! What is it?

[talkative]

Aftercare.

I've never been particularly good at that past the basics - drink, food, blankets or soothing creme, that kind of stuff. [And Rowan can probably guess that the biggest part of that is that Jackie may be many things, but he's not a cuddler.] So I'm wondering if it wouldn't be best to find someone to do that once we're done.

[ralliesprotests]

Right. [Rowan rubs their cheek, sighing. Sadly the one thing they need most is the one thing they can't ask of Jackie.]

Problem is, it's a bit awkward, innit? 'Hi, I just finished getting fucked by someone else, come cuddle me a bit'? I wouldn't even know who to ask. [Not true, two minds immediately spring to mind - well, maybe one less at the moment because he has enough problems going - but they're precisely the people that they feel like they shouldn't be rubbing it in their faces that they're fucking someone else. Not that they think Max and Lucas care, it just seems like bad form.

On the other hand, maybe it would be a way to draw away from them without actually drawing away, without hurting them by having to withdraw from this path that they're hurtling along.]

I'll be fine. I wouldn't mind trying things in my own room, so I don't have to get my arse back through the castle, but it's not like we're that far apart if you want to stick where all your stuff is.

[talkative]

I've had that arrangement before, [Jackie points out.] It's not that unusual. Some people don't much like to play, but really like to take care of others once they're all exhausted. And some people just like to look after their partner after a play the same way they'd look after them after a boxing match.

[And, to just plainly address the thing that has him the most worried, more than the physical aspect:] You don't get emotional crashes in the following days, do you?

[ralliesprotests]

No? [They're taken off guard by the question. Clearly that's something they need to be looking out for - in Lucas (and Max, if it comes to that) too.]

I mean, I didn't last time, with you. And after the tent, I was busy dealing with all of this stuff. [They wave at the list.]

[talkative]

...Sounds like you might not, then. But it's something to look out for. Especially if we skip proper aftercare like this. [And that's why he doesn't like the thought; it makes emotional crashes more likely.] If you notice that your mood, your feeling of self-worth, or anything else crashes in the minutes, hours or days after play, I want you to tell me so we can see if something can be done about that.

It doesn't happen for everyone, and for some people there just isn't a fix and they have to decide if it's really worth it for them, but there's a world in between, too.