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[talkative]

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*Don't limit yourself, live your best life! Or unlife. As it be. The difference is mostly the breathing, you know? You don't have to smell really gross stuff as much anymore because you don't need to breathe in unless you talk. But then again some people can achieve a better sense of scent and then talking in smelly areas becomes really unpleasant and now if you don't think that's a problem then I don't know what your priorities are.

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[ralliesprotests]

[Nopeity nope nope nope. Time to shut this down.] Ain't nothing about me, or him, I just don't do relationships. [Their tone is perfectly casual, as they wave a hand vaguely again. Anyway, it's true. They don't. They decided a long time ago they were fine with things this way, and that it's better for everyone involved.]

Anyway, you wanted to talk about that list, right?

[talkative]

...you should tell him that.

[But he's not going to push and drop the topic as well. He gets not doing relationships. And also: This might be useful information later. And then he's said it. Anyway.]

Right.

So one of the maybes that have me intrigued... how far would you want to go with a collar. Would you, say, be open to taking it out of the bedroom? With all the stipulations about no clothes removal in public and such firmly in place, of course.

[ralliesprotests]

[They should. They've thought about it a couple of times. But they just can't bring themself to draw away. So they'll set that to one side, and focus back on Jackie.

Which is luckily fairly easy with the suggestion he makes. Their eyes go a little wide, darkening a little.] Is that something you would like? 'Cos I figured it'd be off the table, given that neither of us wants to strip where we can be seen. If you can think of a way to make it work, though, I mean. You saw me on the weekend, right?

Speaking of collars, though, and the weekend, I was thinking if you want to play more often, you know how some people use collars to signify when play's happening? How'd you feel about cuffs like the ones there were on the weekend, where they have clips for you, to work the same way? With a collar too, if that's what you want. They could also be taken outside.

[talkative]

That's not a bad idea at all.

[He likes the sound of it. Easy, clean, obvious borders around scenes that aren't tied to places, or even behaviour, necessarily.]

We could go shopping together for that, [he suggests.] That way, we could try things on you. See what you like or don't like, if the combination works for you. I'd love the idea of a collar on you. [Preferably a broad one, covering as much skin as possible, too. It'd make some things easier on him.]

And I'm sure I can figure something out. I'm quite ingenious when it comes to finding solutions for unusual predicaments.

[ralliesprotests]

[Just the way that Jackie says that he'd love to see Rowan in a collar has them reacting, let alone the thought itself. So there is a way to get to him, and if this is what it takes, they'll more than gladly subject themself (and enjoy it more than a little in the process).]

Sure, I'm happy to go shopping. [Although they're going to check when Lucas is working and pick another day just because that would be a bit awkward.] If you want to set down rules for address and whatnot I guess now would be the time to think about that too.

What else was there off the list you wanted to talk about?

[talkative]

I'll have to think on that. [The first thing that comes to mind is not master and that has a reason that he cannot really explain to Rowan now, can he? So yeah. He'll think on it. What other options are there?] I've never done anything... longer term? Like this, so it's never really come up much. I'd have to check what options there are, first. Anything you would or wouldn't prefer?

And... [He looks back at the list.] ...so have you thought about blindfolds, next time?

[ralliesprotests]

Nah, just what you’re comfortable with. We don’t have to use nothing like that anyway, I just thought it went good with collars and stuff. I’ve asked for mastress from Max and Lucas, but that’s just me, obviously.

And yeah, I still want to try blindfolds. I only got rid of them in the tent because I was too nervous about someone I didn’t know managing to sneak through. You’re good to throw them in the mix whenever you want.

[talkative]

[He nods at the note about the address Rowan chose for themselves.] I'll have to think on it, [he repeats instead of making a decision now.]

...in that case. Because it's you. [And why is this so hard to say? It's not like hasn't done this before. (But then that was before he started... not doing it any more. And there was a reason for that. But Rowan understands. With Rowan, it might be okay.) And it's necessary. Jasper indicated that the best could be sated by climaxing sexually instead of drinking from the source of sexual arousal, and if that's the answer...] I might want to try and [and there's just no graceful way to say that that doesn't sound pretentious] put my dick in you while you can't see it. I'd of course use protection.

I can't promise that that won't [how to put it] put a damper on my mood, if it doesn't ...feel right, but I would like to try.

[ralliesprotests]

[Rowan’s breath catches, a flush of arousal spreading over their chest. It’s mostly hidden under their clothes, but the hints are there if one knows what to look for. The idea that Jackie is turned on enough by their activities to want that leaves them so hot under the collar they don’t know what to say, until...]

Because you want to, right? I don’t need it, I only want what you’re comfortable with. As little or as much as you can give me.

[talkative]

Because with you, I want to try.

[He's already said that it might not work out, but he'll repeat it in Rowan's word.]

I don't know that I'll be comfortable. But... [and then there is a very, very lengthy pause, in which he tries to capture the "why you" and put it into words.] ...if I can do that with anyone without them forgetting that I'm pretty too, and not just handsome, it's you. [It's that relinquishing of the last shreds of ambiguity that is the issue.]

[ralliesprotests]

[That makes sense, and it makes Rowan happy, that they can make Jackie comfortable enough to want to give it a go.]

In that case, let me know what I can say or do to make it more comfortable for you. Anything you think of in the moment or afterwards, too. Whatever you need to make it work for you, that ain’t on my nos, you can do.

[They hesitate, and then add:] that includes using as little or as much protection as you need to go ahead. For me, getting ready was almost as bad as the thing itself, so if that’s the same for you... [Even if it still makes them a little uncomfortable still, in this case Jackie’s comfort is more important, since safety isn’t a factor here.]

[talkative]

[He looks up at that in surprised, opens and closes his mouth, and then slowly shakes his head - that's not even a thing he had considered yet. Protection had been a given.]

I'll try with.

[It's good to know that the option is there, but he's not going to plan on it.]

You're sure it's okay for you if I drop it?

[Because from what he observed in the tent, it seemed to be important to Rowan.]

[ralliesprotests]

Yeah. [Rowan hesitates while they line up their explanation, guessing where the problem comes in from.] It's, um, so. Back home I hadn't tried it without ever aside from twice before... everything. But here they keep telling me everything's safe, and I kind of believe it. [Seeing Vax, no offence Vax.]

I'm already sleeping with Max and Lucas without it, though, so I mean, technically you're the one being exposed. I just like to keep control over who I offer it to and who I don't.

[talkative]

[Luckily, that's not actually a risk with him. The only way for him to catch an STI would, counter-intuitively enough, not be through sex. Not enough bodily processes to enter anything but actual blood into the bloodstream.]

Unless they do a general health sweep when we come here, which considering what all they can do I wouldn't be surprised if they do - nothing that keeps people from having sex faster than cholera and syphilis - anyone could be a spreader, no matter how many people they've slept with here. [But that's by the by. He agrees with Rowan that it does, in fact, seem to be safe here.]

Me as well as you. But who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth, right?

[ralliesprotests]

Right. But yeah, like I said, it's fine, the offer's there if it helps you.

And um, actually. Since you can. You know I ain't got a preference on whatever my partner's packing, right? So any combination of stuff is also fine by me. If that helps you at all.

[talkative]

I've thought about it.

[He shakes his head lightly.] I'll try eventually, maybe, but... [He shrugs. It just doesn't feel right? He can't put his finger on why, because he certainly doesn't mind in Rowan, but it's still weird to apply the thought to himself. He hasn't even tried yet.] There's no rush, right?

Late warning for references to dysphoria

[ralliesprotests]

Yeah. No rush at all, I just wanted to know what you know. [Rowan smiles at him. This stuff is tricky, after all, and it's sometimes easier to be clear from the outset.]

But yeah, you got my hard not now, we got safe words, you can do what you want or you need to. And if you need to stop, then you need to stop, don't force yourself to continue if that happens, okay?

Um. At some point, when you're ready, I'd like it if we can talk about what words and descriptions you prefer for yourself, too. Like, in general.

...and general gender things

[talkative]

Understood.

[And that's that.

...Or not. He tilts his head, frowning faintly.] What would such a talk entail?

[ralliesprotests]

You said you don't like being thought of as handsome, right? Anything like that. Or is the general rule just to err on the 'female' side of things? [They let the quotations fall into place, because clearly Jackie isn't any more of a woman than they are - or any more of a man.]

I just want to be sure I'm using the words that you'd prefer I use.

[talkative]

I just prefer to keep people guessing... at least a little bit.

[He scratches his neck, trying to turn the questions over in the context of what he's seen of Rowan.]

Even here, where most people think of me as a man, at least Ren thinks I'm a woman, and that makes it... [not fine, but fine. Bearable is perhaps closer.] If I'm on both sides, I'm on neither. [Maybe that's the most succinct description of why remaining ambiguous is so important to him.] Because people will always put me on either- [He stops himself there.] or does that not happen for you?

[ralliesprotests]

Well, that's why I don't let anyone see what I got underneath everything. And for anyone who does, I tell 'em straight off that I'm neither. Can't stop them from mucking up in their heads, but at least they mostly keep it straight out loud.

But for me what makes it bearable is when no one can agree. If everyone started saying I was a man, or that I was a woman, I'd need to shift somewhat the other way. Like you said, keep people guessing.

[talkative]

[He nods at the last sentences - he's adjusted like that before himself. Altered voice, or body, or style of dress, to lean a bit more into the other side.]

So that's why you use pronouns like you just don't know what it is? [Because for all he knows, that's how singular they is used in English. When you don't know yet what the person you're speaking of is, or when they're not any specific person.] To keep the ambiguity. [It's not a bad idea, and the thought shows in his thoughtful voice. It would probably be a lot less anxiety inducting than always having to wonder if people who came away with different expectations will discuss him.]

[ralliesprotests]

They're gender neutral. Like me. Singular they has always been a thing, in English at least. [Rowan adds the second part a little belatedly, remembering that English can't be Jackie's first language.]

Lots of people like us use they/them. There's other pronouns people use as well, ze/zim/zir is the one I hear most often, but they/them works best for me. It's how I feel most comfortable.

[talkative]

[Like us.

What a weird thing to think. He's always just been off, when it came to how he felt about his body.] Why invent a word when there's one that already exists? [Not knocking on people who do use other options, the tone clearly implies that he simply feels most naturally attracted to they.

Do they?

They aren't sure. He's used he for so long, it's become ingrained in how he thinks about himself, how people think about him, - anything else seems like an illicit deviation. And more attractive because of it. But then while she lived as a woman she felt the same about people calling her he - oh so illicit, and oh so pleasant.

Proving that the other side existed, too.

Jackie leans back, unfolding, rolling back, pulling a knee up to the chin, and thinking for a long time.] You said words and descriptions?

[ralliesprotests]

[Rowan lets him think, tucking their legs up underneath them and watching him. They hadn't meant for this conversation to happen now, but, well. They're never going to get more prepared. And maybe the sooner it happens, the sooner Jackie can start to find a bit more comfort in his body. Because he deserves that every bit as much as Vax does, as much as Rowan deserved it when they were seeking the answers.]

I dunno how it is in other languages, again, but in English some words have gendered connotations. You know, pretty or beautiful for a woman, handsome for a man. Sometimes people would prefer to use just one side, or to avoid them altogether. And parts too, some people'd prefer not to use the name for what's there. For me, both are irrelevant enough not to bother me, as long as the parts stuff is kept to sexual context only, so only in the bedroom.

[Rowan pauses, and then tilts their head.] Actually, that's a good point. If we do take collared stuff outside of the bedroom, I'll need to think what you can call me where other people can hear it, because some of the things I normally allow will be out.