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[talkative]

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*Don't limit yourself, live your best life! Or unlife. As it be. The difference is mostly the breathing, you know? You don't have to smell really gross stuff as much anymore because you don't need to breathe in unless you talk. But then again some people can achieve a better sense of scent and then talking in smelly areas becomes really unpleasant and now if you don't think that's a problem then I don't know what your priorities are.

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[talkative]

[...that's not a conversation he expected. He falls quiet for a moment, cocking his head, and then puts the list down on the floor, pulls his knees up to his chest, and bobs forward on his feet until he's crouching on the front of the chair.]

What do you think I meant by it?

[ralliesprotests]

You're trying to get him to actually work through stuff, right? He told me about his old master and what he did to him. And I know that stuff's messed him up, that he - Erik, the master - used a collar against him.

[Rowan pauses for a moment, and then reaches over to the beside table, pulling out a card from the drawer and holding it up. It's one of the ones that Jackie made for Max.] The fact that you thought these were necessary makes me assume you thought the same I did, that he's been trained to not think of himself and to say yes blindly to anything.

And I get that going over stuff helps, but the thing is, even if this helps Max now, in the long run if people here found out what happened and are angry, that could be just as bad. For both of you, to be honest. I mean, I don't like the idea, and it's I've not bared all for you to see before. But what happens between me and Max is private, you know?

[talkative]

[He nods at say yes blindly to anything, but otherwise just listens.]

Good point. [What's the chances that people truly won't find out? Considering Max told Rowan, whom else is he going to tell or has already told? He needs to call Max back in on that. Stat.

For hell's sake. This is what you get for trying and helping a Kine out, apparently.] ...I'm not interested in knowing what he's up to with whom, don't get me wrong there. I honestly hope that we won't have to go about anything in detail. The point is that he needs to really write down what he did, how he felt when he did it, and if he wants to do it again - I doubt that he will manage to really pin those thoughts down otherwise, if he doesn't see them written out again and again. I hope that after the two months he'll have gathered enough information to work with it, and perhaps acquired some skill at recognising those things afterwards without having to write them down.

I doubt he'll ever be able to do it in the moment. Erik, no matter what else I think about him, knew what he was doing. [He taps his fingers against the front of the chair.] He's got a thousand years of skill at manipulation on both of us combined. I doubt we'll be able to undo what he did. So in my opinion, there's no point in trying. It will be much more helpful for Max if he - with my, with your help - learns to analyse situations after the fact and put down rules before the next sexual situation so they will be there.

You weren't there when I made him give me the yes and no's that are on the card. It was ...not like pulling teeth. Worse. Even in the perfectly non-sexual situation that we were in at that time it took work for him to come up with even that.

[ralliesprotests]

I figured you weren't interested for your own sake. In the tent you said you weren't interested in names when you was teasing me, so I thought either Max missed that part or you were too caught up with him to put it in place, and either is fair enough with all of this. [They wave a hand vaguely, as though to indicate the situation as a whole.]

But he can't even say no to this right now. That's why I said I'd talk to you about it, 'cos he's really freaking out about it, you know? He looked like I was going to bite his head off when he told me. [A shadow of pain crosses Rowan's face, remembering Max's breakdown. They need to make sure that doesn't happen again.]

What I suggested was that he write down what happens between us, me and him, and we talk about it together afterwards. Lucas might be able to help with the same, and you? 'Cos you're right, he needs to learn his boundaries, and it's a good way to do it, but involving everyone else unwillingly is a bit much, right? And as much as I wish we could ask everyone to help, this is Max's history to tell, and that's up to him and who he trusts with it.

[talkative]

I think it's necessary that he writes down every encounter in the same way. Because it might be very different to do the same way with his significant others, whom he blindly trusts, - or me - and other people.

I'm fine with not seeing them. But I want him to do the writing things down. That way it would be private still - and if both you and Lucas, and me, talk about what notes he took on sexual activity with us, I'm sure that would be helpful and guide him into thinking about the rest himself. [He frowns, and bounces slightly on his feet, forth and back.] I didn't think he would freak out that much.

[ralliesprotests]

I think everything's been a bit much, to be honest. Lucas said he really broke down on him - honestly, what the pair of them described sounded like PTSD, and that wouldn't surprise me neither. [And that had told Rowan a lot about how bad things were. They sigh deeply.]

Will you tell him that, or do you want me to? I'm sure you're right about the writing things down thing, and people can't really complain if it's kept private. And we ain't dating, by the way. Good friends, yeah, but I'm trying to get him to hook up with Lucas. They'll be good for one another.

[talkative]

I'll talk to him.

[If he had a breakdown like that not long before or after his conversation with Jackie... well, that sure wouldn't have helped how he's taking it now. He might address that, too. Or not. He'll see.

But that is by the by. He pauses, and gives Rowan a very, very long, studying look. And then tilts his had and points out in a perfectly conversational tone:] He talks about you and Lucas in one breath, and describes his relationship with you exactly the same way in which he describes his relationship with Lucas. Or the way he thinks about you and him.

Why do you think you wouldn't be good for him?

[ralliesprotests]

[Nopeity nope nope nope. Time to shut this down.] Ain't nothing about me, or him, I just don't do relationships. [Their tone is perfectly casual, as they wave a hand vaguely again. Anyway, it's true. They don't. They decided a long time ago they were fine with things this way, and that it's better for everyone involved.]

Anyway, you wanted to talk about that list, right?

[talkative]

...you should tell him that.

[But he's not going to push and drop the topic as well. He gets not doing relationships. And also: This might be useful information later. And then he's said it. Anyway.]

Right.

So one of the maybes that have me intrigued... how far would you want to go with a collar. Would you, say, be open to taking it out of the bedroom? With all the stipulations about no clothes removal in public and such firmly in place, of course.

[ralliesprotests]

[They should. They've thought about it a couple of times. But they just can't bring themself to draw away. So they'll set that to one side, and focus back on Jackie.

Which is luckily fairly easy with the suggestion he makes. Their eyes go a little wide, darkening a little.] Is that something you would like? 'Cos I figured it'd be off the table, given that neither of us wants to strip where we can be seen. If you can think of a way to make it work, though, I mean. You saw me on the weekend, right?

Speaking of collars, though, and the weekend, I was thinking if you want to play more often, you know how some people use collars to signify when play's happening? How'd you feel about cuffs like the ones there were on the weekend, where they have clips for you, to work the same way? With a collar too, if that's what you want. They could also be taken outside.

[talkative]

That's not a bad idea at all.

[He likes the sound of it. Easy, clean, obvious borders around scenes that aren't tied to places, or even behaviour, necessarily.]

We could go shopping together for that, [he suggests.] That way, we could try things on you. See what you like or don't like, if the combination works for you. I'd love the idea of a collar on you. [Preferably a broad one, covering as much skin as possible, too. It'd make some things easier on him.]

And I'm sure I can figure something out. I'm quite ingenious when it comes to finding solutions for unusual predicaments.

[ralliesprotests]

[Just the way that Jackie says that he'd love to see Rowan in a collar has them reacting, let alone the thought itself. So there is a way to get to him, and if this is what it takes, they'll more than gladly subject themself (and enjoy it more than a little in the process).]

Sure, I'm happy to go shopping. [Although they're going to check when Lucas is working and pick another day just because that would be a bit awkward.] If you want to set down rules for address and whatnot I guess now would be the time to think about that too.

What else was there off the list you wanted to talk about?

[talkative]

I'll have to think on that. [The first thing that comes to mind is not master and that has a reason that he cannot really explain to Rowan now, can he? So yeah. He'll think on it. What other options are there?] I've never done anything... longer term? Like this, so it's never really come up much. I'd have to check what options there are, first. Anything you would or wouldn't prefer?

And... [He looks back at the list.] ...so have you thought about blindfolds, next time?

[ralliesprotests]

Nah, just what you’re comfortable with. We don’t have to use nothing like that anyway, I just thought it went good with collars and stuff. I’ve asked for mastress from Max and Lucas, but that’s just me, obviously.

And yeah, I still want to try blindfolds. I only got rid of them in the tent because I was too nervous about someone I didn’t know managing to sneak through. You’re good to throw them in the mix whenever you want.

[talkative]

[He nods at the note about the address Rowan chose for themselves.] I'll have to think on it, [he repeats instead of making a decision now.]

...in that case. Because it's you. [And why is this so hard to say? It's not like hasn't done this before. (But then that was before he started... not doing it any more. And there was a reason for that. But Rowan understands. With Rowan, it might be okay.) And it's necessary. Jasper indicated that the best could be sated by climaxing sexually instead of drinking from the source of sexual arousal, and if that's the answer...] I might want to try and [and there's just no graceful way to say that that doesn't sound pretentious] put my dick in you while you can't see it. I'd of course use protection.

I can't promise that that won't [how to put it] put a damper on my mood, if it doesn't ...feel right, but I would like to try.

[ralliesprotests]

[Rowan’s breath catches, a flush of arousal spreading over their chest. It’s mostly hidden under their clothes, but the hints are there if one knows what to look for. The idea that Jackie is turned on enough by their activities to want that leaves them so hot under the collar they don’t know what to say, until...]

Because you want to, right? I don’t need it, I only want what you’re comfortable with. As little or as much as you can give me.

[talkative]

Because with you, I want to try.

[He's already said that it might not work out, but he'll repeat it in Rowan's word.]

I don't know that I'll be comfortable. But... [and then there is a very, very lengthy pause, in which he tries to capture the "why you" and put it into words.] ...if I can do that with anyone without them forgetting that I'm pretty too, and not just handsome, it's you. [It's that relinquishing of the last shreds of ambiguity that is the issue.]

[ralliesprotests]

[That makes sense, and it makes Rowan happy, that they can make Jackie comfortable enough to want to give it a go.]

In that case, let me know what I can say or do to make it more comfortable for you. Anything you think of in the moment or afterwards, too. Whatever you need to make it work for you, that ain’t on my nos, you can do.

[They hesitate, and then add:] that includes using as little or as much protection as you need to go ahead. For me, getting ready was almost as bad as the thing itself, so if that’s the same for you... [Even if it still makes them a little uncomfortable still, in this case Jackie’s comfort is more important, since safety isn’t a factor here.]

[talkative]

[He looks up at that in surprised, opens and closes his mouth, and then slowly shakes his head - that's not even a thing he had considered yet. Protection had been a given.]

I'll try with.

[It's good to know that the option is there, but he's not going to plan on it.]

You're sure it's okay for you if I drop it?

[Because from what he observed in the tent, it seemed to be important to Rowan.]

[ralliesprotests]

Yeah. [Rowan hesitates while they line up their explanation, guessing where the problem comes in from.] It's, um, so. Back home I hadn't tried it without ever aside from twice before... everything. But here they keep telling me everything's safe, and I kind of believe it. [Seeing Vax, no offence Vax.]

I'm already sleeping with Max and Lucas without it, though, so I mean, technically you're the one being exposed. I just like to keep control over who I offer it to and who I don't.

[talkative]

[Luckily, that's not actually a risk with him. The only way for him to catch an STI would, counter-intuitively enough, not be through sex. Not enough bodily processes to enter anything but actual blood into the bloodstream.]

Unless they do a general health sweep when we come here, which considering what all they can do I wouldn't be surprised if they do - nothing that keeps people from having sex faster than cholera and syphilis - anyone could be a spreader, no matter how many people they've slept with here. [But that's by the by. He agrees with Rowan that it does, in fact, seem to be safe here.]

Me as well as you. But who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth, right?

[ralliesprotests]

Right. But yeah, like I said, it's fine, the offer's there if it helps you.

And um, actually. Since you can. You know I ain't got a preference on whatever my partner's packing, right? So any combination of stuff is also fine by me. If that helps you at all.

[talkative]

I've thought about it.

[He shakes his head lightly.] I'll try eventually, maybe, but... [He shrugs. It just doesn't feel right? He can't put his finger on why, because he certainly doesn't mind in Rowan, but it's still weird to apply the thought to himself. He hasn't even tried yet.] There's no rush, right?

Late warning for references to dysphoria

[ralliesprotests]

Yeah. No rush at all, I just wanted to know what you know. [Rowan smiles at him. This stuff is tricky, after all, and it's sometimes easier to be clear from the outset.]

But yeah, you got my hard not now, we got safe words, you can do what you want or you need to. And if you need to stop, then you need to stop, don't force yourself to continue if that happens, okay?

Um. At some point, when you're ready, I'd like it if we can talk about what words and descriptions you prefer for yourself, too. Like, in general.

...and general gender things

[talkative]

Understood.

[And that's that.

...Or not. He tilts his head, frowning faintly.] What would such a talk entail?